so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
