it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
