dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
