Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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