I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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