Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
