I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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