He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
