dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
where are you?
Hypothermia
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
