i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
