my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
