We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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