made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
