all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
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I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
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How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have fence marks all over my body
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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