she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
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There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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