I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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