you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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