My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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