What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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