i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
