i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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