i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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