Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
