mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
