I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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