Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
