I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
