i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
