i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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