Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
