I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
