Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
