you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I am available for nakedness
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
