can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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