I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Im part way to drunk.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
