We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
