We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
