I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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