I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
