i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
