life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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