Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
