The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
