She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
