There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
