We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize