I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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