I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
