Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
