there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
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They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
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Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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