You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
