Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
