and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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