I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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