Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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