she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
