i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
