dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
