I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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