I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
