go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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