He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
