marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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